


If you should go

by slugmutt



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cassian struggles with the concept of feelings, Eventual Smut, F/M, Friendship, Jyn being a badass, References to sexual violence, Violence, nothing too graphic but it is a story about human trafficking so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-25 19:55:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9841505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slugmutt/pseuds/slugmutt
Summary: Jyn left to take on a gang of human traffickers, and now she's missing.They're going to find her, Cassian tells himself. And if not - he's going to burn Lothal to the ground.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [all the way to caursito](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9672893) by [slugmutt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slugmutt/pseuds/slugmutt). 



> For summersrage, who requested an alternate Lothal story where Cassian doesn't get there in time and Jyn is kidnapped.

Cassian Andor is not a man who’s used to admitting defeat. He’s sat through stake-outs that lasted weeks on end. He’s recovered from more blaster shots than he can remember. He’s escaped not one but two exploding planets, for pfassk’s sake.

And yet, as Bodhi brings the ship down into the atmosphere, he’s ready to admit that their mission was a failure.

Not that they didn’t achieve their official objectives. Officials were flattered, money changed hands, and a couple of overly zealous Imperial officers were… removed from the ranks of the living. The short story is, the Alliance’s access to Incom’s tech remains secure.

But Cassian had another, more personal objective when they left. He had hoped that a couple of weeks without Jyn would help him remember what’s really important. Would put things in perspective, remind his stupid, weak brain that this is a war and that he’s a soldier, not a kriffing teenager at his first party. That he needs to be thinking about strategy, not about how badly he’d like to kiss his best friend.

It’s been a month, and his perspective is worse than ever. Oh, he managed not to talk about Jyn – at least, not after catching Bodhi’s knowing look the tenth time he started a sentence with “if Jyn were here, she’d say…" – but he hadn’t stopped thinking about her. Whenever they had even a minute of downtime, his traitorous thoughts would drift to her. And when he was strong enough to push those thoughts away, he would dream of her – dream of her laughing, hurt, happy, dying , a dozen nightmares and half-formed fantasies taking turns at making his life hell.

One night he dreamed of her naked in his bed. He hadn’t been able to meet Bodhi’s eye for an hour the next morning.

This needs to stop, now. They are friends and squadmates, nothing more.

He wonders what she’ll say when he gets back.

She was angry when he left. She tried to hide it, but he knows her too well for that. Well, that, and Jyn’s not nearly as good at hiding her anger as she thinks she is. Maybe – probably – she’s still angry. She’ll probably try to hide it though, give him a casual “good job” and pretend she doesn’t care that they haven’t seen each other for a month.

She shouldn’t care. He shouldn’t care.

But as they touch down on base, he can’t even pretend to himself that he’s thinking of anything other than the question of how soon he’ll see her, and how she’ll look at him when he does.

 

What he’s not expecting is to hear that she’d left base two weeks earlier.

He should have been expecting it. In fact, in retrospect he’s not sure why the hell that wasn’t the top scenario on his list.

That’s not even the problem. It’s the “why” that’s the real problem, here.

“She went to do what?” he asks Baze. He refuses to believe that he heard him right the first time.

Baze looks almost sympathetic, which sends a wave of terror through him. Baze wouldn’t be giving him that look if things weren’t bad.

“She’s on Lothal, helping a friend track down a gang that’s been kidnapping women,” he says again.

“As part of a team,” Cassian says, but he knows what the answer to that will be even before Baze starts shaking his head.

“She said she’s going undercover,” he says. “She wouldn’t say what that meant.”

_“And you let her go?”_ is what he wants to scream. Instead he makes himself ask, “The kidnapped women, what does the gang do with them?”

“Rape,” Baze says bluntly. “Forced prostitution. And Jyn’s friend said about a third of them turn up dead within a month.”

“And you let her go?” he can’t stop himself from saying.

Baze doesn’t answer.

“We’re going after her,” he announces.

Baze gives him a grim smile. “The ship is already loaded. We were just waiting for you.”

*

“Your Highness, may I have a word?”

Leia can tell from Draven’s clipped tones that the older man is displeased. She’s pretty sure she knows why, too.

“Yes, General?” she says calmly.

“I’ve been informed that you approved a mission involving one of my officers,” he says, his voice cold.

She hums her confirmation.

“Officer Andor is needed here,” he tells her. “He hasn’t even debriefed me regarding his latest mission.”

“Officer Andor had urgent business on Lothal,” Leia says. “He should be back within ten standard days.”

She chances a look at Draven’s face. He looks like he just smelled something foul.

“Ten days! And let me guess – his urgent business on Lothal has everything to do with Lieutenant Erso’s presence on that planet,” Draven bites out.

“General Draven,” she says, pulling herself up to her full height. “I understand your concern. But had I not let Captain Andor leave immediately, the rebellion could have lost a valuable officer.” Her tone softens as she adds, “Sometimes we need to sacrifice short term objectives for the sake of a larger goal.”

Draven clears his throat. “I admit that Lieutenant Erso is…  talented in many ways,” he says, as if the praise is causing him discomfort. “She truly excels in combat, and she seems to have a guardian spirit saving her from her own foolishness. But your Highness, with all due respect, we can’t afford to take such lengths to keep a single lieutenant.”

“We’ll have to agree to disagree on that,” Leia says, and her voice is silk over steel. “But in any case, General, I wasn’t referring to Lieutenant Erso.” At his blank look, she adds, “I was talking about Captain Andor.”

*

Jyn sits in a bar on Lothal, sipping her drink and waiting to be kidnapped.

It’s her fifth night doing this. Jadit seems sure that this will work, but Jyn’s starting to have doubts.

“You’re exactly their type,” Jadit had told her as she did her hair. “Young, pretty, but with some fight in you. Don’t let them see your blaster, but you don’t have to play weak, either. Just pretending to be a bit drunk ought to do it.”

“You’re sure I should stay in the bar?” she had asked, surveying herself in the mirror. “Wouldn’t it be better to wander around the streets a bit?”

Jadit had shaken her head. “Wander the streets here and you’ll find plenty of would-be rapists to kill, I’m sure,” she’d said bitterly. “But probably not these ones, and these are the ones we need to stop. They’re taking dozens of women a month, now, and none ever come home. And they’ll come to the bar, yes. That’s how you’ll know it’s them, they’re the only ones so brazen.”

“Fine,” Jyn had told her, trying to sound calmer than she felt. “They approach me, I get them outside, me and Tep and Yeren wipe the floor with them, done.”

Jadit had sighed, and she heard years of rage and sadness in that one sound. “I hope so,” she’d said. “Jyn, if you want to stop at any point – “

“I’ll tell you,” she had promised her. “You’re not forcing me into anything, Jadit. Being the bait was my idea. I want these scum dead, too, believe me.”

Now she stirs her drink, and pretends to sway in her seat slightly.

She’s so bored she’s almost looking forward to the part where they try to kill her.

This is why she could never be in intelligence. She doesn’t know how Cassian does it. He can sit on a rooftop and wait hours for the perfect shot. She’d get fed up after thirty minutes and end up just running in guns blazing.

It wasn’t a problem back when she was with Saw. The rebellion isn’t quite as happy with her tactics.

Just as she’s thinking there has to be another way to do this, a man sits down on her right side. “This seat taken?” he asks, flashing her a sweet smile.

He’s young and handsome and wholesome-looking and Jyn is bone-deep certain that this is it. She gives him a bold smile and runs through her mental list – _blaster, right thigh, blaster, left inside jacket pocket, knife, right ankle, knife, left ankle, vibroblade, right inside jacket pocket_ … It’s a long list, and it soothes her as she laughs and lets him buy her another drink and tries not to think of what could go wrong.

She didn’t used to worry about what might go wrong. Of course, she didn’t used to have anyone who would care if she ended up bleeding out in an alley, just another victim of the cruel gangs of the Outer Rim. Now she can’t imagine her death without her mind jumping to unwanted thoughts of Chirrut’s face lined with grief, Bodhi trying not to cry. And dark eyes going cold, eyes that have already seen far too much pain seeking refuge in a terrible blankness.

So OK, she won’t imagine it. _Vibrodagger, right hip…_

By the time he invites her to join him at a club down the street, she’s almost calm. “I know a shortcut,” she tells him, leading him toward the door Tep and Yeren are guarding. From the corner of her eye she sees a dark-haired man in a blue shirt stand and start moving in their direction, a little too casually.

She giggles as they walk out the door, his hand at her back. Her arms are around her waist, right hand brushing a blaster.

They take two steps, and there’s a moment of crystal clarity where Jyn’s senses seem to move beyond herself. It’s as if she sees herself standing in the cold night air, sees Tep and Yeren with their fingers on the triggers, sees the men sliding out the door behind her and the shadows prowling the alley and the nearby rooftops.

A man’s hand reaches for her, grabs her wrist. And then the night explodes.

She doesn’t even bother with the man holding her arm. Tep has a clear shot. Sure enough, the man’s head is blown off as she takes out one of the two men behind her. The second one is faster, and his blaster is trained on her, but there’s a headless body still half-standing between them and by the time he has a clear shot she’s moved quickly to the left, hurling a dagger as she goes.

It’s not quite enough, and a blaster bolt singes her right arm. She’s thankful yet again that Saw insisted she learn to shoot equally well with both hands.

She loses track of things after that. At some point, more men come from somewhere, and she gets her blade between one man’s ribs and smashes another one’s face with her boot, but there are so many, why are there so many? And Tep is dead, and she’s pretty sure that’s Yeren she hears moaning in the distance, and there are at least ten bodies on the ground but more keep coming.

It feels like an hour has passed by the time they reach an impasse, even though it can’t have been more than five minutes. Jyn has her blaster trained at the head of a tall bald human she’s pretty sure is the one in charge here. He and two others have blasters pointing right back at her. She hates pausing during a fight. If she stands still for too long, she starts to notice just how much everything hurts.

They’re interrupted by the sound of hard boots on the pavement. She curses as four Stormtroopers come into view. Now the men will run, and she’ll be left with a failed mission and an Imperial prison to escape.

But they don’t run. They just stand there, waiting, and the leader’s cruel grin sends shivers down her spine.

“Dwill,” one of the Stormtroopers says sternly. “Causing trouble again, I see.”

“Sorry, officer,” he answers, his voice mocking. “But this is Imperial business, here.”

“Oh, really?” the trooper says.

He leers at Jyn, his eyes glinting in the streetlight. “Oh yes. I’m saving this one for Adelhard himself.”

The four troopers turn to her as one. _I’m sorry, Cassian_ is all she has time to think before everything goes black.


	2. Chapter 2

Cassian is good at his job.

He’s always been good at his job. He’s always been good at his job because he knows where his priorities lie. It’s not that he enjoys doing the kinds of things he so often has to do for the sake of a mission – not at all – but for him, the objective is almost a living, breathing thing. He’s never been tempted to put himself first – not his comfort, not his safety, not his conscience. Not when he feels the objective like a physical presence, not when the weight of the lives that depend on him sits as heavily on his shoulders as the weight of the lives he takes.

But now here he is, flying off to Lothal instead of sitting in a briefing room with Draven, and he knows it's not about the objective. Not this time. This is about how badly he needs Jyn to be safe.

He _needs_. That’s the whole problem.

Scarif broke him.

What broke him wasn’t the battle, or his injuries, or even losing nearly everyone he’d worked with for the past ten years. That would be understandable. Everyone knows what trauma can do to even the toughest soldiers.

But no, what broke him was a single minute of quiet.

It had taken them one minute to leave the tower and make their way to the beach. They’d had sixty seconds with nothing left to do. The plans had been sent, and they had been about to die.

And for the first time he could remember, Cassian had been free. Free to look at the world around him without calculating how to use what he saw to his advantage. Free to desire, without fear it could be used against him.

He’d looked and seen a world that was, for once, beautiful.

And he’d seen Jyn. She’d been bruised and battered and so very alive. She was the most alive person he’d ever met. He’d looked at her and seen light and hope and everything he hadn’t had for ten long years. And something about looking at her made his chest ache, but he kept his eyes on her anyway, let himself soak in her light and her faith and be horribly, selfishly glad that if they had to die, it would be together. With one minute left to live, it hadn’t mattered.

And then they had stumbled out onto the beach and Bodhi had been waiting for them, and it wasn’t the last minute after all.

But he couldn’t turn it off. He couldn’t find his way back to what he’d been, what he still needs to be. Scarif was months ago, and he still gets that same fucking ache in his chest every day, looking at her. He’s still afraid every time they go on a mission; not the old, instinctive fear that always kept him on edge, but a deep terror at the thought of losing any one of them.

He’s too attached, and it’s only going to end in disaster. But he doesn’t know how to fix it.

 

They make two plans during the trip to Lothal (and since when has it been so far to Lothal?).

Really, it’s one plan – track down the gang, take them out, rescue whoever they can. The only difference is whether they find Jyn working with Jadit, or…

Or whether the mission is going to be about revenge, not retrieval.

Cassian’s been trying to prepare himself for the worst, but he’s honestly shocked when Jadit tells them that Jyn is missing. He wouldn’t have thought they’d be able to take her alive.

“We underestimated them,” a grim-faced Jadit explains. “They have some kind of Imperial support. Yeren saw Stormtroopers when they took her.”

“Took her _where,_ ” Cassian says, flat.

Jadit shakes her head. “Yeren had lost a lot of blood,” she says. “He was barely aware of what was happening. But he swore he saw troopers toward the end.”

“I want to talk to him.”

“So do I, but unfortunately, he’s dead,” she replies.

Cassian slams his fist into the wall. He can practically feel his team’s quiet scrutiny as he loses control, but he’s past caring.

“Jyn came here for you, to help you,” he yells. “You let her serve herself up as bait for some of the worst scum in the galaxy, and now all you can tell me is ‘there were Stormtroopers’?”

Jadit’s eyes flare. “Do you think I liked this plan? No. But if you know Jyn Erso as well as you say you do, then you know that there wasn’t much I could have done to stop her,” she spits back.

Bodhi intervenes before Cassian can make things worse. “We’re going to find her, Cassian,” he says. “We still have all the information Jadit gathered. And I’m sure someone in the club saw them leaving.”

“And then what?” Cassian whirls on him. “We go across Lothal and talk to every human male with the right hair color until we find who we’re looking for?”

Jadit’s shaking her head, too. “The man she left with is dead,” she tells Bodhi, and Cassian feels a quick jab of pride because _of course he is_. “So are the two who followed them. Whoever took her, they weren’t here in the club.”

“So maybe we should try the same thing again,” Bodhi says. They look at him. “I mean, with the bait, and… look, obviously I don’t want to see anyone else get hurt, but this time there’d be four of us and we’d be prepared.”

“You wouldn’t be just four,” Jadit tells him. “My people will gladly join you.”

“She’s been gone for thirty hours,” Cassian says, and he hears the desperation in his voice. “It took them five nights to show up last time. Where do you think Jyn will be in five nights?”

Baze is the first to break the silence that follows. “I say we just kill them all,” he declares. “Take out enough crime gangs, and one of them is bound to be the right one.”

“Baze,” Chirrut says gently.

“I’m not going to trust the Force to get us there on time, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Baze says, and it’s the closest Cassian’s ever heard him to sounding truly annoyed with Chirrut.

“I think it’s clear what needs to happen,” he hears himself say. Every head turns to him. “I need to go undercover.”

“How will that help?” Bodhi asks, looking nervous as he challenges him. “Infiltrating the gang would take time, and like you said, we don’t have much time.”

“Not as a member of the gang,” he says.

“As a client,” Jadit finishes for him. “That’s… a good plan, actually.”

“Lot of prostitutes in a city like this,” Baze points out.

“But only so many catering to… certain tastes,” she says, shooting Cassian a nervous glance, and why is everyone so jumpy around him?

But no matter. She’s on his side, that’s what matters. They’re going to get Jyn back. And they had better fucking well get her back alive and unharmed, or he’s going to burn this city to the ground.

“So.” He turns to Jadit. “Where do the most horrible beings on Lothal go to get a drink?”

*

Jyn wakes up, and immediately wishes she hadn’t.

Everything hurts. She must have been in a hell of a fight last –

Oh.

Now that she remembers, she takes care to open her eyes slowly, keep up the pretense of sleep in case there’s a less-than-cautious captor somewhere nearby. But as far as she can see the cell she’s in is empty except for her. She can hear the low murmurs and rasping movements of others nearby, though. 

After a moment, she rises. Step one – injuries.

None of them are serious, she decides. She seems to have a few bruised ribs, and there’s a blaster burn across her right arm that could use some bacta, but other than that it’s all scrapes and bruises. Nothing that’s going to kill her.

Step two - what did they take?

Almost everything, as it turns out. She knows she had at least two blasters, three vibroblades and three knives left when they took her, but that’s all gone now. She tries not to think of how thoroughly they must have searched her, but can’t help a shudder of disgust.

At least they didn’t get the metal band behind her teeth. Kriffing amateurs.

She won’t use it now, though. She has a strong feeling that picking the lock and running out unarmed would be suicide.

Step three – where is she?

Tall walls, floor made of some sort of cheap metal. No sounds from outside, so either they’re far from the city, or someone invested in soundproofing this building. And there’s a disturbing thought.

A warehouse, maybe, somewhere in the industrial district. A building like this would draw too much attention outside the city. It’s always easier to keep criminal activity hidden right under everyone’s noses.

The sound of footsteps drags her away from her thoughts. She briefly considers faking sleep, but decides against it.

The lock clicks open, and three men walk in. She recognizes the bald one from earlier, and fixes him with her most hateful glare. He gives her a bored look in return.

The being to his left – a slender Rodian in a suit – looks bored as well. The third one, though, a tall, dark-haired human, is eyeing her with blatant interest.

“Mind if I sample the merchandise, Dwill?” he asks, eyes still on her.

“Don’t,” Dwill snaps. Jyn blinks in shock. “I’m saving her for someone important,” he adds.

Well. It’s not exactly reassuring, but if the “someone” is far enough away, she might have a real chance to escape.

But then, “Let him,” the Rodian says. Dwill scowls, but nods to the tall man, who starts advancing on her.

She lets him get close enough to grab her shoulder, then takes his hand, flips his arm, and drops, her knee rising to meet his elbow. The resulting crack of bone is satisfying.

She knows her chances of making it out alive just dropped significantly. It was worth it, though. Cassian would understand.

But the other two don’t move to attack. They don’t seem to care about the man currently writhing on the floor in agony, either. “You were right,” the Rodian says, still looking bored. “Save her for Adelhard.”

Dwill pulls a blaster, then. “Get moving, you,” he tells her. “It’s time to meet your new friends.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a getting-through-plot chapter, hopefully will be getting back to the angst soon ;). 
> 
> Also, I forgot to mention it earlier, but Kaytoo is currently an astromech droid. 
> 
> (And also, does anyone have an idea for a better summary? I'm terrible with summaries.)

They bring her to a larger room. This one has the same high ceilings and metal floors as the other.

It also has seven females around her age, all of them glaring at her. Most human, but Jyn sees a Twi’lek and a Devaronian, too.

They look so hostile that it takes Jyn a moment to realize that they’re prisoners like her. Each is linked to the floor, their chains long enough to allow for a bit of motion, but short enough to prevent any two from making contact.

Dwill and the Rodian keep their blasters on her. “Put this on,” Dwill orders her, throwing a metal cuff in her direction. Jyn does as she’s told – there’s no way she could cover the distance to him before he got a shot off – but makes sure to leave the cuff as loose as she can.

It doesn’t help – the cuff tightens automatically the moment it shuts, squeezing her ankle just hard enough to be uncomfortable. Dwill smirks. “I know all of your tricks, girl,” he says. “So don’t even bother.” He gestures around the room with his blaster. “Your friends here can tell you what happens to girls who try to run away.”

They leave.

Jyn lets herself sit. This is better, she tells herself. The more fellow captives are around, the better her odds of figuring out exactly where she is. And more importantly, how to not be there anymore.

It doesn’t feel better, though. Something is very off.

She decides to try her luck with the human to her right first. “So where are we?” she asks. The woman just tosses her red hair and ignores her.

She looks to her left. The Twi’lek woman  is staring back, looking slightly less hostile than the rest of them. “What’s going on?” she asks her.

“You’re a prisoner,” the woman says, speaking as if Jyn’s a particularly stupid child.

“So are you,” she responds, feeling herself starting to get angry. Well – angrier. She’s been angry for quite a while now, but apparently there’s always room for more.

“Yes,” the other woman acknowledges. “That I am.”

“So we’re on the same side,” Jyn says.

One of the women sitting across the room snorts. “No, honey, we’re not,” she says, her voice harsh. “None of us are on your side.” The woman is tall and strong-looking and stunningly pretty despite the scars on her face and arms, and she’s looking at Jyn like she wants to rip her to shreds.

“Why the pfassk not?” she asks. “I’ve never met you before.”

The Twi’lek sighs. “Let me explain,” she starts.

“Don’t tell her anything, Raela,” the tall woman warns. “The less she knows, the better for the rest of us.”

“I’ll speak to whoever I want, Sarai,” the Twi’lek – Raela – shoots back. She turns back to Jyn. “You’ve been chosen as one of Ja’ral’s… special women,” she says.

“Ja’ral?”

“The Rodian,” she says.

“He’s in charge here?”

Raela gives a light shrug. “You overestimate my knowledge, new girl,” she says. “I’m a slave, not part of the chain of command.”

“Jyn,” she says. “My name’s Jyn.”

Raela gives her a bored look. “If you survive the next month, maybe I’ll try to remember it,” she says. “Anyway. The others just stand around and look pretty until someone picks them. We, on the other hand – we fight.”

“Fight,” Jyn says, flat. “Fight who?” But she’s afraid she already knows.

“If you’re lucky, you’ll fight me, new girl,” Sarai tells her with a dark smile. “I’ll make your death quick.”

There’s a cold, sick feeling in Jyn’s stomach. This is what she gets for assuming that things couldn’t get any worse.

“We fight each other,” she says, and Raela nods again. “To the death?”

“Not always,” Raela says, to her relief. “He’d burn through us too fast that way. But when there’s someone important in town, yes.”

“Or when he finds a new girl,” Sarai says. “He doesn’t like to keep more than seven of us. Waste of space.” She pauses. “You’ll probably fight one of us soon.”

That would certainly explain the hostility.

“I’m not going to fight,” she says quietly, half speaking to herself. She’ll never give those scum the satisfaction of seeing her kill for them.

Raela looks angry, but there’s a hint of sympathy in her eyes as well. “I didn’t think I’d fight either,” she tells Jyn. “But wait until you’re in the ring.”

“If you don’t fight, you die,” another woman chimes in. She’s thin and blonde and looks painfully young. “You die _slowly_.”

Jyn breathes out and tries to clear her head. OK, so she has a sense of where she is. She knows more about what’s going on. Now she needs to… she needs to…

She gives up for a minute, and lets her head fall forward into her hands. How the hell did she get into this mess?

She can almost hear her younger self yelling at her. _This is why you don’t try to be a hero, idiot_. And it’s hard to deny that if she had just stayed on base she’d be a lot safer right now. Or – she’d have a blaster in her hands, at least. Dying helpless is infinitely worse than going down fighting.

And yet. As much as she wishes she were anywhere but here, the thought of being out there and not knowing, of walking through Lothal and drinking and dancing while all this was happening just minutes away… That would be its own kind of horror.

At least this way, Ja’ral and his whole gang will be stopped one way or another. Because if she doesn’t manage to bring them down, her friends will.

She knows it would be foolish to hope that Cassian will come rescue her in time – he wasn’t even on base when she left, and he doesn’t know where she is. And even if he did, he might decide to let her handle the situation herself. Force knows she’s always telling him to back off and stop trying to protect her, maybe he finally listened.

But they’ll come eventually. They may not find the gang this month, or even this year. But they will catch up with them someday, and then they’ll do to Ja'ral what Jyn would do to anyone who dared to hurt any one of them. Somehow now, captive in this horrible place, she’s sure of just how far her friends will go for her. They won’t leave her, even if she has to leave them.

Ja’ral and Dwill are dead men walking. The thought almost makes her smile.

*

“How do I look?”

“You look very, ahh…” Bodhi can’t meet Cassian’s eyes, and his breath sounds funny.

A second later, he erupts in laughter. “Sorry! Sorry, I just… it’s perfect, really,” he manages to gasp.

Baze is laughing, too. Cassian can hear him describing his outfit in bursts to Chirrut. “… fire-lizard-skin jacket..” a deep chuckle “… and his pants, you should see it, I don’t know how he even got them on...”

“His hair is the best part,” Bodhi chimes in. “It’s all spiky.”

Cassian scowls. “I’m glad you all find this amusing,” he says darkly, and his friends sober up immediately.

“Sorry, Cassian,” Bodhi says, contrite. “It’s just…” he trails off, looking amused again.

Baze is unapologetic. “If Jyn could see you, she’d be laughing too,” he says. “She’d be hysterical.”

Kaytoo lets out a series of beeps. “You’re right, we should take a picture for her,” Bodhi says. “Good idea, Kaytoo.”

“Don’t you dare,” he warns them. Some kriffing friends he has.

He’s saved by Jadit knocking on the door. “Are you ready?” she asks.

“Perfect,” she declares, when she sees him. “Although maybe a touch more gel in your hair, just to make sure it holds.”

 

Jadit knows what she’s talking about. The outfit that was so absurd back when he was sitting with his friends is perfect for the bar she’s directed him to.

He looks like an arrogant, jumped-up street thug with too much money and too little in the way of brains. But that’s exactly the look he was going for, so.

He sits with a drink and tries to look somewhat approachable. He’s used to trying to blend into the background, so trying to draw attention is new. But he can do this. He has to.

And he does know a thing or two about getting the scum of the galaxy to come and spill their secrets. Within a few minutes he spots a slender human male who’s constantly looking around the room, and occasionally speaking briefly to the richer-looking men at the bar.

“Another whisky,” Cassian calls to the bartender as the man walks by, and the man notices him.

“You new in town?” he asks.

“Here on business,” Cassian says, turning to him with the slight sway of a man who’s been drinking too much. “You?”

“I’m a native,” the man says. “Anything you need on Lothal, I know where to find it.”

Perfect.

Cassian fights the temptation to drag the man into the alley and make him spill his secrets the fast way. Instead he makes himself look hesitant. “Anything?” he says. “That’s a bold claim.”

The man sits next to him. “Anything,” he says, his voice low. He looks Cassian over. “You looking for some spice?”

Cassian shakes his head. “Right now I’m more interested in the simple pleasures,” he says. “Whisky.” He shoots the man a look. “Women.”

“Lots of beautiful women on Lothal,” the man says casually.

“Hmm,” he nods. “I’m pretty picky, though.”

“Sure. A man like you can have whatever woman he wants,” the other man says, laying on the charm.

“What I like,” Cassian says, “is a strong woman. Beautiful, but a fighter. You know what I’m saying?”

The man smiles and leans closer.

They talk for quite a while. It’s a good thing Cassian always has an extensive backstory ready, because the other man went over all of it – “you understand, I have to protect my employers” – before giving him what he wanted.

It’s a good thing he had credits, too. At some point he’ll have to explain to Draven how much he just spent on expensive liquor for two, but he’ll worry about that later.

But it’s all worth it. Because when he walks away, it’s with an invitation to a special event that the man promises will have exactly the kind of women Cassian’s looking for. And for the first time since they arrived at Jadit’s, he lets himself hope.

*

The next two days in the warehouse feel like the longest of Jyn’s life.

There’s the terror of not knowing what’s happening or when she’ll be dragged out to fight or die. There’s the continuing hostility from nearly all the other women (Raela seems more indifferent than hostile, and the thin blond – Kaeer – seems mostly scared, although apparently she’s won two death matches, so Jyn’s not going to underestimate her).

There are also the occasional screams from elsewhere in the building, and that’s the worst.

They get food twice a day, and they get to use the fresher just three times a day. She feels like maybe that shouldn’t matter, with everything else that’s going on, but it does.

At the end of the second day, Dwill comes back, and tells them they’ll be fighting the next night.

“So sleep well, new girl,” he says, giving Jyn a leer. “You’re going to be giving our guest a special show.”

 

Maybe she should have just died on Scarif.

Not that she was ready to die then, either. But at least she would have died with sunlight on her face. She would have died with Cassian at her side.

But no. It’s better this way. He’s alive. And it’s been a good few months. They’ve done so much, helped so many people.

It’s strange that a year ago, she wouldn’t have cared about that. Right now, it’s the one thing keeping her sane. Looking back, though – she would have cared then, too. She was just afraid to let herself admit it.

She still doesn’t know what she’ll do tomorrow. She hopes she’ll be strong enough not to fight.

She imagines Cassian sitting next to her, telling her not to give up. To fight, and live.

But that’s wrong, isn’t it? Cassian wouldn’t tell her to fight. He of all people would know what it would mean. You don’t come back from something like that.

If he were here… If he were here, he wouldn’t tell her what to do. He’d just give her that look he gets when he knows she’s unsure about something. That look that tells her he’s on her side, no matter what.

A wave of longing hits her, so strong that she has to close her eyes. She misses them so much it hurts. She wants to see Cassian, she wants to see Baze, she even wants to see Kaytoo.

 _Homesick_ , she remembers, distantly. This is what it feels like. She’s not a stranger to the sensation, but it’s been a very long time. 

 _You want to see home again?_ a voice from the back of her mind says. _You fight. Giving up will just get you dead._

The voice sounds suspiciously like Saw’s. Well… if you wanted to learn to survive, Saw always was the person to ask.

Jyn forces her mind away from thoughts of home. It’s time to make a plan.


	4. Chapter 4

Cassian trusts his team. They’ve been through dozens of missions together by now, many of them hideously complex, all of them important. And he knows that Baze and Chirrut were fighting together for decades before he met them, and that Bodhi managed to escape the Empire carrying one of its most carefully guarded secrets, entirely alone. They are very good at what they do.

They give him the credit for their success, call him an excellent commander, but – he’s always figured that’s a kind fiction meant to keep Draven and the rest of command from suggesting that he’s needed elsewhere. The truth is, most days he barely feels like a commander at all. They often come up with their strategy together. And whatever the plan is, he never has to repeat it more than once.

 

“Let’s go over the plan again.”

Baze groans, and even the ever-patient Chirrut is starting to look put out. “We’ve gone over the plan several times,” he tells Cassian. “There may be better uses of our time at this point.”

“What he’s saying is, we’ve been over the plan seventeen damn times, now shut up so I can be sure I’m doing this right,” Baze says. “Because if I’m _not_ doing this right, we might end up in a million little pieces.”

They’ve moved from Jadit’s place to a small abandoned apartment not far from tonight’s event. In part to keep Jadit and her crew safe in case the bomb Baze is building really does go wrong.

But mostly because Cassian insisted they be in the area, in case the location of the event was a hint to where Jyn is being kept. They’ve scoured the neighborhood, but so far, nothing.

He stands and begins to pace. “She might not even be there,” he mutters.

“We’ve done as much as we can to look for her everywhere else. This is our best chance,” Bodhi says for what must be the millionth time, and – oh. He’s driving his team crazy, isn’t he.

“Sorry,” he says to nobody in particular.

“It’s OK,” Bodhi says, almost managing a smile. “We’re all worried.”

Of course Bodhi assumes he’s just worried. The truth is… Well. It’s a bit more complicated.

He’s worried. Oh yes. But he’s used to being worried, where Jyn is concerned. He’s seen her charge into danger dozens of times - to complete the mission, to protect innocents caught up in the battle. To save him, even though he’s told her a hundred times not to get herself killed on his account.

If he thinks about it, he’s surprised she’s still alive (he tries not to think about it).

But – what was she doing on Lothal? It’s a question he doesn’t ask aloud. He knows what they’ll say, anyway. That it was only natural that Jyn would fly out to help an old friend. That it’s just like her, to run in blasters blazing as soon as she heard of a gang preying on women.

They would give him half truths. The truth is, Jyn would never have come to Lothal if Cassian hadn’t left without her, and he knows it.

“Cassian,” Bodhi says, breaking him out of his dark thoughts. “Help me figure out how to hide a second blaster in Kaytoo.” He does.

(He’s pretty sure Bodhi could actually do this faster without him, but he’s not about to point that out.)

*

They line up under the stadium.

At least, Jyn assumes it’s a stadium. She hears a crowd overhead, the thud of feet up and down staircases.

She takes the time to mentally review her plan. Although calling it a “plan” might be generous.

Five seconds. Raela agreed to give her five seconds, and it took an hour of whispered debate to win even that small compromise.

“I don’t think you get what ‘die slowly’ means, new girl,” Raela had hissed at her. “Dwill will murder you for _weeks_. And me too, if I help you.”

Jyn tries very, very hard not to think about that.

But it won’t matter. It won’t matter because even if she doesn’t manage to escape – and she doesn’t need Kaytoo here to tell her how bad the odds are on that one – at the very least, she won’t let them take her alive a second time.

She doesn’t like the idea. But since all of her options are terrible at this point, she’s going to go with the one that lets her take down a few of these fuckers with her.

As if reading her mind, Sarai leans forward and hisses, “Your plan is terrible, new girl.”

Jyn gives her a dead-eyed stare.

“Don’t give me that look, I heard you talking with Raela,” Sarai whispers. “Do you know what’s up there? A few hundred clients, dozens of guards, and that’s if you’re lucky. I hear there are Imperials here, too. Are you going to fight them all, one against three hundred? I know you’re stupid, but even you can’t possibly be that stupid.”

“What do you care?” she shoots back. “You want me dead, remember?”

Before Sarai can answer, there’s an order from in front, and they’re being marched out. Jyn stumbles as she rushes forward to station herself near Raela. Stupid kriffing cuffs.

They’re just out the door when Raela stops, turns to the guard who’s been leering at her for the past half hour. “Mika,” she says, her voice husky, teasing. “Give me a kiss for luck?”

He’s more than happy to comply. And if Jyn brushes up against him while Raela’s tongue is in his mouth, it’s no surprise he doesn’t notice or care.

*

Cassian’s been in some terrible places. He’s seen Imperial torture chambers, mass graves, the kriffing Death Star.

It’s been a long time since anywhere has made his skin crawl like this.

The woman he’s looking at is not Jyn. She doesn’t look even a little bit like her.

She could have been Jyn, though. It could have been Jyn sitting in that glass cage, being auctioned off like she was just another object for rich men to use and discard.

One week ago he could have heard about this place and felt a brief horror, and then moved on to the next objective. Now, well. Now he’s wondering when he can next arrange a mission for his team in the Outer Rim. Specifically, wherever these scum are going next.

The men around him are laughing and drinking and bidding and his fingers are itching for a blaster, but he has to stay focused.

And then he sees her picture. A flashing sign carries her face and five others. He fights his way through the crowd until he’s face to face with the Rodian selling tickets underneath.

“What’ve you got?” he asks.

“First round, Aya versus Klarr, two to one Aya,” he rattles off. “Second, Kaeer versus Raela, two to one Raela. Third round,” He looks up, grins. “Third round, death match. Ja’ral’s got a new girl. Tanith, fighting Sarai.”

A man to his right snorts. “I’ve seen Sarai fight. My money’s on her.”

“I hear the new girl took out ten of Ja’ral’s men,” another man warns.

“Odds are 1:1,” the Rodian announces. He gives Cassian a critical look, and apparently he passes for a rich mobster, because the bookie adds, “You want to bid for the victors? Price starts at 5,000 credits for the first match, 7,000 for Kaeer or Raela.”

“What about the third match?” he asks. The Rodian laughs in his face.

“You don’t have that kind of money,” he says. “And even if you did, it wouldn’t matter. The winner of the third match is spoken for.”

 

Twenty minutes later, Cassian’s still trying to figure out what the kriff he’s supposed to do now. The plans all involved purchasing Jyn (just thinking that turns his stomach), or at worst, sneaking her out. For all that he went over the plan two dozen times, he never thought to add a backup plan in case Jyn was the star of a kriffing death match with hundreds of eyes on her.

Including those of an Imperial governor. Because things weren’t bad enough already. Even if Jyn were to fight, and win – she’d be taken immediately to Governor Adelhard. He heard the name mentioned in passing, just a rumor, but he’s sure it’s true. The governor’s guards aren’t wearing Stormtrooper white, but Cassian knows Imperial commando training when he sees it.

The plan could still work. If the current match goes on for another five minutes, and the next lasts at least ten, then Baze’s bomb should –

He barely has time to form the thought before the redheaded woman goes down a final time, and the match is called in her opponent’s favor.

The second match goes for more than ten minutes, but eventually the small blonde girl goes down to the Twi’lek woman. The girl is carried off half dead; the Twi’lek is handed off immediately to the highest bidder.

And then the announcer is calling the third match, and Jyn enters the ring.

 

His first thought, absurdly, is that her hair is longer. He’s been so focused on Jyn for the past few days, so consumed by thoughts of where she might be and what she might be enduring, that he almost forgot he hasn’t actually seen her in over a month.

They’ve put her in a short green dress, and given her a pair of long knives. She’s stunning, and he hates them a bit more just for that. He’s seeing her as she’s appeared in his guilty fantasies, but it’s twisted and wrong.

The fight starts.

The one thing stopping him from racing down there right now, blasters blazing, is that he’s never seen Jyn lose a fight. If he runs out now, at best he’ll give her a few seconds of chaos in which to make a move. If she can just hold on for another few minutes…

The two women clash briefly. Blades fly, and for a minute they wrestle for control of Sarai’s sword, but then they break apart. Jyn’s bleeding from a cut on her arm, and – fuck it, he can’t risk waiting. He’s got to do something now.

He’s just reaching for the blaster strapped to his ankle when one of the guards explodes.

It takes half a second for his brain to catch up with what his eyes are seeing. The man was there one second, blaster in hand, and then the next – he was just so many bits of blood and gore.

In the next half second, Cassian is on his feet and putting holes in the heads of another two guards before tumbling to the next row of seats and hiding. A patron opens his mouth, but falls over dead before he can get a sound out.

Cassian’s not sure what’s happening – exploding guards was definitely not a part of the plan - but whatever it is, this is his opportunity.

A few seconds later the entire building shakes as he pulls his vibroblade from the neck of a fourth guard. That must be Baze.

Between the exploding guard and the trail of bodies he left in the past minute, the crowd had already become a panicked mob. The bomb throws the place into complete pandemonium. People run in every direction, trying to make it to safety. Guards fire at random into the crowd.

Cassian runs for the fighting pit. He’s almost there when Kaytoo cuts the lights, right on schedule. “Jyn?” he huffs out, reaching the place he saw her last. “Jyn,” louder, but there’s no answer.

And then the emergency lights come on, and he sees a body lying face-down between the fighting pit and the tunnel leading to the exit. A woman’s body, with dark hair and a short, jade-green dress. And a blaster shot in the back of the head, and a pool of blood spreading slowly from the ruin of her face.

Everything goes a bit blurry after that.

Blood. There’s definitely blood, after, as one patron after the next falls to his blade. He’s past caring who’s who. They were all a part of this, that’s more than enough reason. There’s a dull roar in his ears and he’s not sure he’s breathing, but he stays on his feet.

At some point, he remembers that the men who did this – the ones who actually took her – might be getting away, and that gives him some semblance of focus. He starts looking for men who look like they work here.

After a few seconds, he sees a man pulling at the Twi’lek woman who was fighting in the second match. In an instant the man is down with a shattered kneecap, and Cassian’s boot at his throat.

“Who was in charge here?” Cassian asks. The man just groans with pain.

This is where he should wait for a minute. Let the man regain enough awareness to give him an accurate answer.

Instead, he shoots his other leg.

It’s the woman who speaks. “Ja’ral,” she says, voice dripping hate. “Thin Rodian guy, wears a blue suit. There’s also Dwill. He’s human, bald, wearing a green vest.”

Cassian nods his thanks and starts walking away.

“Hey!” she yells at his back. He turns. “Can I have a knife?”

He does one better and gives her his second blaster. She grins. “If I see Dwill first, he’s mine,” she warns, then sets off toward the stairs.

He heads for the tunnels. He’s never met this Ja’ral, but he knows the type. You don’t get to the head of this kind of operation by taking unnecessary risks. Ja’ral will have run the minute things started going wrong.

Cassian’s not worried. The galaxy is only so big, after all, and he’s an expert at finding people who don’t want to be found. They might escape him today, but they won’t escape forever.

Still, it would be nice to put an end to Ja’ral’s life soon. The thought of him breathing is unbearable. Not now, not when Jyn isn’t.

He runs forward soundlessly, blaster out. After a minute he hears voices. A dim light shines from a small room up ahead, and three men inside are talking anxiously.

He should be careful. The men are definitely armed, and more than a little on edge. One false move and he’ll be dead.

He should be careful, but he’s about to charge in anyway. The only thing that stops him is that someone beats him to it.

Three women race past him and burst into the room, and a second later it’s all over. He follows and sees two dead Rodians, and a human man who can only be Dwill cowering on the floor.

And then none of that matters, because he sees –

“Cassian,” Jyn says. And then she’s in his arms, and he might have stopped breathing again, and he hopes she wasn’t expecting him to let her go anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How this story got so long, I really do not know. I'm thinking maybe 3 more chapters.


	5. Chapter 5

Jyn explains everything on the way back to Jadit’s place. How Raela gave her a few seconds’ time, and Saw’s training did the rest. She’s known how to build a grenade for thirteen years; making a few slight alterations was easy.

Sarai helped her, too. Sarai, who had been so quick to threaten to kill her, had said nothing as Jyn used her metal band to unlock her shock cuffs. Had kept up the pretense of fighting, giving her just enough time to get free.

“I think it was because of Kaeer,” Jyn says. “I think she was kind of protective of her, and then with what happened… She was mad.”

Kaeer almost died, when Dwill kept the second match going even after she started spitting up blood.

Sarai did die. Jyn saw her take out a guard before she lost sight of her. The next time she saw her, she was sprawled out on the floor of the fighting pit.

(“You thought that was me?” she asks Cassian, later. “How? She’s almost a head taller than me. And her dress was blue, not green.”

He just shrugs and holds her tighter.)

Baze and Chirrut executed the plan perfectly, and Cassian owes them another few apologies now, because he was the one who didn’t stick to the plan at all.

Bodhi and Kaytoo did their part. And then they saw the Imperial contingent, and got a little sidetracked.

“It was clear you all had things under control,” Bodhi shrugs. “I thought it was a good use of our time. It definitely gave us the edge we needed when we had to fight our way out.”

“Of course it was a good use of our time,” Kaytoo says, towering over them all once again in his new body. “I was practically useless as an astromech droid. And the captain could barely understand me.” He turns to Cassian. “I warned you about the dangers of this mission two dozen times, and you did not listen even once. I can only assume due to the language barrier.”

 

They get back to Jadit’s place in remarkably good condition, considering. Jyn has a few nasty cuts and bruises. (“So do you,” she points out as Cassian insists on using the bacta patches.)

All in all, this was a definite success. He should be happy. Instead he’s suddenly, overwhelmingly furious.

“What the fuck were you thinking,” he hisses at Jyn as he rubs bacta on the cut on her shoulder. “Were you thinking?”

“Could we please not do this now?” she asks, her voice tired.

“So when should we do this?” he asks, voice rising. “When are you going to be in the mood to explain why you do these things?”

“’These things,’ as in, helping people who need it?” she snaps. “I would think you’d understand that, _Captain._ Isn’t that what the rebellion is all about?”

“There is helping people, and then there is running off on a suicide mission.” He rubs a hand through his hair. “Do you want to die?” The question comes out more serious than he’d intended.

She turns to him, eyes blazing. “Like you’re one to talk!”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

The door flies open, cutting off her response.

“Oh,” Baze says, his voice flat. “Excuse me, I must have taken a wrong turn on the way to the fresher.” He turns and walks out, leaving an awkward silence in his wake.

Cassian sighs and rubs his eyes. It’s been – how long _has_ it been, since he slept last?

“You’re right, we should talk later,” he says.

“Great,” Jyn says, glaring at him. “I was afraid you were done being a patronizing dick, glad we’re going to do this again soon.” She storms off to her sleeping quarters before he can reply.

 

They have an entire set of rooms to themselves, two floors above the club. Cassian hasn’t asked why Jadit has so many extra rooms; he has a feeling it’s not information she’d want to share.

He makes his way to the small room they’ve been using for meetings and sits heavily, his head pounding. Chirrut is the only one there, which is a relief. Chirrut will understand if he doesn’t make conversation.

He wasn’t wrong, he tells himself. OK, maybe he could have had slightly better timing. But – she needs to realize that she’s going to get herself killed.

She needs to realize that she’s not allowed to get herself killed. There are people who need her. (People who shouldn’t need her, but do anyway.)

“All this because of one minute on Scarif,” he mutters to himself.

“You idiot,” Chirrut tells him. Cassian’s eyes fly open. He forgot that Chirrut has hearing like an ice bat.

Calling him an idiot is a bit unusual. Chirrut may carry a big stick or two, but his words are always gentle.

“What do you mean?” he can’t help asking.

“You’ve been half in love with that woman since well before whatever happened between you two on Scarif,” the other man says.

Cassian snorts. “Hardly. I spent half the time before that screaming at her,” he reminds him. “And the other half wanting to scream at her.”

Chirrut hums softly. “And was that a normal feeling for you, Captain Andor?” he asks. “Found yourself in screaming fights often, did you?”

… Huh.

Later, he’ll blame the sleep deprivation for what he says next. He’s so tired he feels drunk, or – what he assumes he’d feel if he ever let himself get truly drunk.

“It’s not just that,” he tells him. “It’s everything. I’m going soft. I can’t – “ he sighs. “I can’t be what I need to be.”

Chirrut’s face is sad. “You mean, you can’t stop being human.”

“Yes. No! I just… If I get distracted, it will hurt the team. We need to stay focused.”

“Of course,” Chirrut says. “Imagine what would happen if two members of our team loved each other. We could never do missions like that.”

“Right,” he nods, then frowns. “Wait, no. I didn’t mean _you_. You’re – that’s different.”

“Of course,” he says again. Pauses. “Remind me, how is it different?”

Chirrut’s questions are making his headache worse, Cassian decides. “I need to sleep,” he announces, standing.

“You do that,” Chirrut says, sounding amused. “Sleep. Think. We’ll talk later.”

His last three words sound suspiciously like a threat, Cassian thinks as he walks away.

 

 

Cassian does go straight to bed. He does.

But two hours later, here he is outside Jyn’s room. Still awake. The door is open, and he lets himself walk in without knocking. He doesn’t want to wake her up.

He has no excuse that would explain why he’s in her room, if she wakes up. And no reason to think she’d be glad to see him, not after what he said to her earlier.

But he needs to see her. He’s so kriffing tired he can barely see straight, but every time he starts to fall asleep his brain jerks him back to alertness, certain all over again that he’s just seen her die.

He just needs to see that she’s there, that she’s still breathing. He won’t bother her.

“Cassian?” she says groggily as he sinks to the floor, his back against the wall. “Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” he says, his voice rough. “I’m sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep.”

“What are you doing here?” He doesn’t answer. “Are you here to yell at me again?” she asks, half teasing.

“No,” he answers. “I just – I just… “ He lets his head fall back against the wall. He shouldn’t have come here. His trouble sleeping is just that – his. He needs to leave Jyn out of it.

“Hey,” she says gently. His vision is going blurry again, but he sees her outline in the dim light as she stands and kneels in front of him. “Cassian, when did you last sleep?” she says, reproachfully.

“… I think I slept a few hours on the way over from base,” he admits.

“Come,” she says, tugging him gently to his feet. “Come here.” She half-drops, half-pushes him into the bed.

“What are you doing,” he manages to mumble.

“You need to sleep,” she orders.

“This is your bed,” he protests.

“It’s big enough for two,” she says, and if he were more awake he might catch the slightly embarrassed note in her voice.

“Jyn, I – “ he manages to say.

There’s so much he needs to say to her, so many ways to finish that sentence. _I’m sorry. I’m so glad you’re alive. I do not deserve you._

But he’s so tired he can barely remember how words work, let alone find the energy to actually say them. He falls back onto the pillow, silent.

He feels Jyn’s hand on his forehead, feather-light, like she’s not sure she should be touching him. And then after a moment her hand starts moving through his hair.

“Rest,” he hears her murmur. “Everything is fine.”  

She’s warm and soft and she’s alive, he can feel her breathing next to him and she’s alive.

He closes his eyes and finally, finally drifts off into sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Jyn wakes up more comfortable than she’s been in a long time. It’s late morning, the bed is soft, and mostly – Cassian is there with her, holding her in his sleep.

She’s never woken up like this before, with someone’s arms around her.

It’s warm and overwhelming and foreign and kind of amazing. She lets herself stay there for another minute, taking in the feeling.

She starts to feel a little guilty, though. It’s not like Cassian’s aware that he’s been cuddling her in his sleep. He probably just reached out unconsciously for the nearest source of warmth.

She eases out from his arms and heads to the fresher. She has a feeling it’ll take at least fifty showers to wash off the feeling of being Ja’ral’s slave. She may as well get started now.

Ten minutes later she’s dressed and ready. There’s a big part of her that wants to let him keep sleeping, but – she can’t just leave without telling him, not after what they’ve just been through.

And OK, she may also be hoping he’ll come with her. She’s not looking forward to what she’s planning to do next. It would be a lot easier with him at her side.

“Cassian,” she says gently, shaking his shoulder. He wakes up immediately, his eyes finding hers.

“Jyn,” he says, smiling. And then he pulls her down and kisses her.

His lips are warm and surprisingly gentle on hers, and he’s kissing her like they do this every day. He sucks gently at her lip and that small movement sends a shiver through her.

She kisses him back, urgent, her tongue darting between his lips, her hands on his shoulders pulling him closer. He matches her intensity, kissing her hard and deep as they roll onto the mattress, his body covering hers.

She should stop him. It’s like the sleep hugging. Clearly, he’s not fully awake yet. If he were, he’d probably be yelling at her again, not kissing her like his life depends on it.

But she can’t stop, she _can’t_. She’s wanted this for a while, now, but today… Just yesterday she was so alone and so sure she was about to die, and now he’s here with her, surrounding her with his warmth and his touch, and she can’t bring herself to stop.

One of his hands cups her face, and their kisses are less urgent now but no less intense. She’s flat on her back but somehow still dizzy, a sensation that only intensifies when she feels his erection pressing into her through layers of clothing. “Cassian,” she moans into his mouth, and – he must be awake by now, right? He can’t be kissing her like this while only half conscious, nobody is that good.

She’s thinking of maybe pausing for a second, just to be sure, but then his hand moves down to her breast and she loses the capacity for coherent thought.

And then, what feels like just seconds later, there’s a knock on the door. “Jyn?” she hears Jadit’s voice. “Are you ready?”

Cassian pulls back from her, breathing heavily. His hair is a wreck and his pupils are blown and Jyn knows she must look the same. “Just a minute,” she manages to yell, and hopes she sounds normal enough that Jadit won’t open the door to check on her.

She looks back at him, and – she has no idea what to say right now. He rolls off her wordlessly, and she sits and starts fixing her hair.

“You’re going somewhere?” he asks. His voice is rough and low and it does things to Jyn’s body, makes her ache to drag him back down onto the bed with her. But she has to do this.

“I’m going to Sarai’s funeral,” she says, surprised at how normal her voice sounds. “I talked to the others last night. None of us are staying here, but we wanted to make sure she’d have a proper funeral, before we go.”

He nods. “Can I come?” he asks, and she almost cries with relief, because yes, she needs him there, and no, she wouldn’t have been able to tell him that. She nods, and he stands and starts getting dressed.

*

Cassian stands at Jyn’s side as they scatter Sarai’s ashes to the wind. Kaeer said that was what she would have wanted, and everyone deferred to the younger woman, who seems to have known Sarai best.

They each say a few words. He doesn’t know any of these women, but he can tell it’s awkward. What do you say about someone who was both your companion in suffering, and your deadly enemy? Kaeer says the most, tearfully recalling how Sarai talked her out of a dark depression, encouraged her to stay alive despite everything.

Jyn speaks, too. “I barely knew Sarai,” she says. “But I know that without her, I wouldn’t be here right now. She risked everything so that I could escape, so that we could all escape. I won’t forget that. I won’t forget her.”

She speaks with passion, and he can tell the other women are mesmerized. It reminds him of Scarif, of following her into battle, of knowing he’d follow her to the ends of the galaxy. He still would.

He finds himself thinking about Sarai, too. Specifically, about the moment yesterday that he saw her body. He had been so sure it was Jyn. It could so easily have been Jyn.

Remembering it makes him feel sick and terrified and furious all over again. The emotions are faded, weaker than they were last night, but it still takes effort to keep his face neutral.

Jyn seems to sense some of what he’s feeling, because she reaches out and takes his hand. And he can’t believe it’s her supporting him through this, it was supposed to be the other way around. He squeezes her fingers lightly.

He still can’t quite believe she’s here. Last night was the worst he’s felt in a very long time. And then this morning…

He’d dreamt of her again. A good dream, despite all the horrors of the day before. He’d seen her laughing, loving. And then he’d woken up and somehow his dream had leaked into reality, had made him grab her and kiss her as if he had a right to.

And then he couldn’t stop. She was kissing him back, and he’s had an ache in his chest just thinking about her for the past month, and it was finally gone. Kissing her felt – well, kriffing amazing for a start, but also just _right._

After the ceremony she talks briefly to two of the other women. He watches her from a short distance. A hundred memories are racing through his mind, clamoring for attention: Jadit’s face when she told them Jyn was missing; Jyn walking into the arena, head high; him, cutting a blood-soaked path through the crowds; Chirrut and Baze, fighting their way out side by side; Jyn jumping into his arms; Jyn’s body under his, his name on her lips.

She has the power to break him. He remembers the last few days, and he knows what he has to do.

*

Cassian is quiet on the way back to Jadit’s place. It makes Jyn nervous.

Not that he’s ever exactly talkative. But – she’s gotten used to seeing him relaxed, when they’re not on a mission. Right now, she can practically feel the tension coming off him.

When they get back, they find a note waiting. “Hey Jyn, we had an errand to run, tell Cassian not to worry, back soon, love Bodhi,” she reads, frowning. She lifts her head. “Do you know anything about this?”

He just shrugs. “No idea.”

And then he doesn’t say anything else. Just watches her, looking nervous, and she finds herself getting annoyed. Is this about this morning? Does he think she’s going to attack him or something?

“I’d better go pack,” she says, and walks off to her room. All she has there is a spare set of clothes and another couples of knives, but it will give her something to do other than watch Cassian watch her and wonder what the hell he’s thinking.

Or it would, except that he follows her. “Jyn. There was, ah. Something I wanted to talk to you about,” he says.

“What?” she asks impatiently, throwing her clothes into a bag, and – shit, she just did all of her packing right in front of him. There goes that excuse. She glares at him.

“So,” he says. “This morning… Listen, I’m sorry –“

It’s like hitting a switch; his words turn her irritation into full-on anger in a heartbeat. “Don’t you dare,” she cuts him off.

“Jyn, I –“

“No,” she says. “If you want to do this whole –“ she waves a hand at him, “- self-sacrificing bullshit thing and tell me we can’t be together, I can’t stop you. But don’t you dare apologize for kissing me.”

He just looks at her, and she may have actually rendered him speechless.

“What is your problem, anyway?” she asks, stepping toward him. “What is so terrible about the idea of us being happy for once?” She’s just a breath away from him, now, hands in fists at her sides.

“Jyn,” he says firmly, grabbing her wrists. “I’m not sorry for kissing you. I’m just sorry I didn’t ask first.”

“What?” is all she can think to say.

He sighs. “We didn’t talk about how it was for you, there, but – you were being threatened with rape, maybe you needed time before... I shouldn’t have just assumed… “

It’s so far from anything she’d thought he would say. “No! Cassian, that’s not – there’s no connection between what they were planning, and what I want with you. None,” she tells him firmly.

“OK,” he says, smiling softly. His hand reaches up to brush back a strand of her hair, and she can’t help leaning in, can’t help pressing her lips to his.

He responds eagerly, and for a long moment they stand there, his hands on her waist, hers on his collar, pulling him closer.

And then he pulls away. “Wait. There’s, um. There’s something else I had to tell you.”

Jyn waits. And waits.

“… What?” she finally says, trying to keep the impatience out of her voice.

“I love you,” he blurts out. She stares.

“I, um,” he adds. “Just thought you should know.”

And then she’s pulling him toward her and kissing him again, because how the hell else is she going to respond to that?

His hands move up her shirt, and she feels his fingers along her breast, circling a nipple. She can’t help a low moan. “Bed,” she manages.

“Bed,” he agrees, his voice as unsteady as hers.

Her shirt and pants come off somewhere on the way to the bed. Cassian’s shirt comes off, too – and the sight leaves her short of breath – but his boots prove harder to remove.

“Not helping, Jyn,” he says as she circles his ear with her tongue while he struggles with his laces. But she likes the way his voice hitches when he says it, so she continues, and runs a hand down his stomach, lets her fingers linger against the soft skin just below his belt.

He finally gets the second boot off, and pushes her back onto the bed. “Are you trying to kill me?” he mutters, and then his lips are crashing into hers and there’s no more talking for a while. His hips roll into hers, and she’s practically seeing stars already.

He stops kissing her just long enough to ask, “What do you want?”

“You. Inside me. Now,” she manages to say. There will be time for more later.

He does as she says, and in another minute the rest of their clothes are off.

“Fuck, Cassian,” she moans as he fills her. He starts moving, and all she can say after that is his name. He’s murmuring in her ear, and she catches “… so beautiful… “ and “… love you, Jyn” among the string of words.

She tries not to scream as she comes undone, but, well – it’s a good thing the others are out. He follows her a moment later, moaning her name.

 

“You know that I’m still going to do stupid, dangerous things, right?” she asks, when she’s able to talk again.

He rolls on his side to look her in the eyes. “I know,” he says, giving her a wry smile.

“You know that I’m scared for you, too?” she asks, voice soft.

The look he gives her is full of wonder and a little too much surprise. “I… hadn’t thought of that,” he admits.

She rolls her eyes at him. “Of course not,” she says, but she’s leaning in to kiss him as she says it, so he probably gets that she’s not mad.

She pulls away a moment later. “I need a shower,” she tells him.

“OK.”

“… you’re invited.”

He grins.

*

The others come back just before nightfall.

“Where the pfassk were you four all day?” Cassian asks. He doesn’t manage to get any real heat into his tone, probably because he’s been taking advantage of their absence to, well – it’s been a very, very good afternoon.

“Remember how we spent way too many credits?” Bodhi says, bouncing on his feet with excitement. He nods, frowning.

“Well, we got some more,” he announces happily.

Baze opens the bag he’s carrying, and – that is a _lot_ of money. Cassian’s pretty sure he’s never seen so much currency in one place in his life.

“Where… how… “

“We’ll tell you on the way back,” Baze says.

“Did you rob a bank?” he manages.

“No, but… “ Bodhi says.

“But… ?” he prompts him.

“But we should probably make our way back to base sooner, rather than later,” Chirrut says.

Half an hour later they’ve said their goodbyes and are preparing for takeoff.

“Looking forward to leaving this place?” Jyn asks him.

He gives her a small smile. “It had its moments.”

“You realize that now we’re going to be stuck in space for two days,” she says. At his look, she adds, “Small ship. Nosy team.”

He raises an eyebrow. “I am a spy, you know,” he says. “I’m sure we can think of something.”


End file.
